My loving husband informed me a while back that while girls can use upwards of 7,ooo words a day expressing hopes, dreams, and otherwise meaningless jabber, the average male operates with a mere 2,000. Because I like to excel at all I do, sometimes I like to double that number and spew out close to 14,ooo words strung together into random thoughts that really don't require a response or acknowledgement of any sort. So, to save my husband from the glazed over, "I wonder what is on ESPN right now" look he sometimes gets when I begin a riveting monologue beginning with, "You know what's weird??" I will write down some of those thoughts I have on a daily basis.
(Keep in mind that I am pregnant so EVERYTHING seems more permanant, devastating and incredible all at once...)
1. THERE IS AN ALIEN PARASITE GROWING INSIDE ME!!! It feeds off my body. One day it will outgrow its host and rip its way out. I can feel it move. If anything EVER grew large enough inside a man that he could see the rolling of an elbow across his abdomen he would not think it as beautiful and natural as he does when it is in a woman. It is creepy.
2. I will NEVER fit in my jeans again. This is my new permanant size. Nobody even remembers that I used to be smaller. I am just a BIG GINOURMOUS person. Pass me that cake please.
3. Hey! I should go mountain biking today!! Oh wait- I'm pregnant. Can't do that...
4. What if my baby isn't cute?? Is there anyone I can really trust to tell me? I'll probably think she's cute. That's even worse. I'll be OBLIVIOUS to her awkward smashed little bug face...
5. What else could we remodel?? Hmm....the kitchen floor? Yah!! Wait, Aaron might leave me if I make another remodel suggestion...the floor is fine. I should clean out the fridge! And the cupboards! And maybe I'll clean all the baseboards while I'm at it. Nesting is great! I'm so productive!! I may end up with 17 kids just because I love how much I get done while I'm pregnant.
6. I love food! How come I never appreciated i so much?! Glad I discovered steak! Hope I still like it after this whole pregnancy thing...what should i eat now??
7. I should tell Aaron about the weird dream I had last night...maybe not. He looked at me weird when I told him the one where I left our baby on a shelf at the gym and THEN my sis fed spaghetti to the baby so it would never nurse again and THEN my other sis wouldn't get out of the crib but it was ok because our baby had turned into a chipmunk and slep in a drawer in our room. Maybe I will just keep this one to myself...
8. At least I can see my feet.
9. Can I eat again yet without looking like a total pig?
10. Pregnancy is a conspiracy. Anything you may actually need or want to know about the whole ordeal is a well kept secret until you are locked in. THEN the truth comes out!! Pregnant ladies should teach sex ed. We could prevent teenage pregnancies!!
Well, there you have it. My top ten concerns in a typical day. Now you know how my poor, patient husband feels living with me every day...
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haha! I loved reading these, Lindsay!
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